Twitter’s a Hot Date, Facebook is Lunch With Mom

Both are good, but one is better.

Since my friends and colleagues are no doubt sick of hearing me yap about the subject, I’ll try to get it out of my system with this post. Here are a few reasons I like Twitter better than Facebook:

Twitter updates are generally positive, meaningful, and substantive. Facebook status updates are often negative, shallow, and narcissistic.

Twitter puts my finger on the pulse of the internet. Facebook puts my finger on the pulse of a closed group.

Twitter encourages creative expression of thought. Facebook encourages expression by proxy (via quizzes, groups, pages, games, etc.).

Twitter is about reaching out. Facebook is about looking in.

Twitter provides real-time updates on any subject. Facebook provides real-time updates of my friends’ achievements in Farmville and Mafia Wars.

Twitter is flexible. Facebook is constrained.

Twitter’s web interface has a single, unobtrusive text ad. Facebook’s interface has multiple, distracting image ads.

Twitter’s settings are straightforward. Facebook’s settings are complicated.

Twitter doesn’t push groups and pages on me after I’ve dismissed them countless times.

Twitter’s interface is quick and simple. Facebook’s interface is sludgy and complex.

Facebook is buggy. Twitter is less buggy.

Twitter doesn’t ever suggest I become friends with a total stranger.

Twitter is a communication medium. Facebook doesn’t know what it is.

Just my opinion, of course. For a more intelligent discussion of the topic check out this article at TwiTip. The truth is I think both Twitter and Facebook are amazing platforms, and they serve very different functions. I will likely continue using both for the foreseeable future.

Jaiku‘s better than either of ’em anyway. 😉

Twitter’s a Hot Date, Facebook is Lunch With Mom

Your Problem? No Problem.

Dear Guy Who Just Made His Problem My Problem,

We’re all set. I took care of that problem you passed off to me. It’s probably best you avoided it because it did require a slight amount of effort. Dealing with something like that yourself would have raised a whole host of concerns. At the very least, you would have had to launch some software, which as we all know uses up precious computer memory (and occupies crucial screen real estate to boot). On top of that, you would have had to key a few strokes and click your mouse several times to accomplish the task. It’s probable you would have been required to talk to a few people as well, which is the last thing anyone wants to do (I know I sure don’t). As if all that weren’t bad enough, this particular issue would have potentially occupied 15-20 minutes of your valuable time, rather than the time of some other person, like myself, which must obviously be less valuable. No, you did the right thing.

Besides, is there some LAW saying you have to deal with every stupid problem that comes your way? What, you’re the ONLY person who can deal with an issue legitimately tasked to you, and for which you’re ideally qualified? Please! Sure, you’re an employee of the company for whom we both work, and who pays you regularly for your services, but does that constitute some kind of blood oath or something? It’s not like accepting payment means you SWEAR TO GOD to deal with every ridiculous issue that comes up. Seriously though, is agreeing to a few lines in a job description like making a promise to a dying relative? Of course not.

Anyway, everything’s been handled. Don’t even worry about it.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Just Dealt With Your Problem

Your Problem? No Problem.

Lol I Know Right Hahah Lol

Just a quick memo for anyone who isn’t up to speed. The following practices are no longer acceptable in online discussion forums. This decree applies to message board replies, Faceboook comments, and anywhere else on the internet where written conversation takes place. Thank you for your cooperation.

Beginning a Post with “Lol” or “Hahah”
This practice is rampant on the web and needs to stop. I confess I do it myself all the time (I’m working on it). It’s a way to quickly indicate agreement with the previous comment and placate the comment’s author. For example:

Netizen: The Joker is the greatest villain ever!
n00b: Lol totally!

Using “Lol” and “Hahah” in the Same Post
People do this to create filler because they can’t think of anything interesting to say. Alternatively, they do it to soften the blow of a dissenting opinion. These terms are the digital equivalent of a grunt. Come on people, nobody laughs this much:

Netizen: Heath Ledger is the best Joker ever!
n00b: Hahah he was ok but Nicholson pwns him lol

Using “Lol” Multiple Times in the Same Post
See above.

Beginning a Post with “Um[m/mm/mmm]” or “Uh[h/hh/hhh]”
Doing this makes you look like a jerk. It’s often used in a reply that disagrees with a previous comment. The respondent uses “um” to start his post as if to indicate he’s pausing (perhaps wincing in pain) as he struggles to comprehend your stupidity. Here’s an example:

Netizen: The Dark Knight is the best movie ever!
Asshole: Um, actually it isn’t.

To seem like an even bigger cocknose, the respondent will sometimes end his reply with a question mark, as such:

Netizen: The Dark Knight is the best movie ever!
Asshole: Uhh, actually it isn’t?

Or:

Netizen: The Dark Knight is the best movie ever!
Asshole: Um, no?

Using the Phrase “I Know Right[?/!]” Ever
I knew the girl who started this back in ’98, when it was a new and neat way to indicate agreement while opening the door for further discussion. Now it just makes you look dumb.

Netizen: Christian Bale was the best Batman ever!
n00b: I know right!

I hope this helps clear up any confusion. Oh, one final note: if you want to come off as the biggest dickhead of all, write a blog post about how stupid everybody acts on the internet.

Lol I Know Right Hahah Lol